Pregnancy Ups and Downs

Since I'm STILL pregnant, I thought I'd take a moment to write down the things I've both liked and disliked about pregnancy. When most people talk about the horrors of being pregnant, they're mostly talking about the last month or two. Of course, that's what you remember most about being pregnant since it was at the end of the pregnancy and the most uncomfortable part of it. For the first seven months of my pregnancy, I just couldn't understand why so many people seemed to think pregnancy sucked. I get it now (and I know I've had a relatively easy pregnancy) but I still think people tend to blow it way out of porportion. Still, my experiences are not other people's experiences but I do have a newfound respect for any woman who willingly chooses to have more than one child. :-)

What I Have Enjoyed

1.) I've loved feeling my baby move and squirm and hiccup inside of me. Sure, it can sometimes be rather uncomfortable, especially when Baby puts some force behind it, but it's also pretty incredible to watch your belly move or to see the barest outline of a foot press against your skin.

2.) Of all the images we've been given after an ultrasound, there's nothing I like to look at better than the picture of my baby's open hand, with its five perfectly formed fingers. To think that those perfect hands and feet are growing inside of me is simply astounding. And slightly creepy.

3.) Climbing the Great Wall of China six months pregnant. It makes for a great story and reminds me that there used to be a time when standing upright for more than 10 minutes wasn't one of life's great challenges.

4.) It may sound cliche and uber-cheesey, but there really is this indescribable feeling of awe and wonderment that comes from creating life. Not only do I feel an unbreakable bond forming between me and my child, but I have also felt a greater connection to all the women throughout history who have experienced pregnancy and birth.

5.) I'm extremely grateful that I avoided some of the common complications of pregnancy (though certainly not all). I had no morning sickness (just slight nausea) and have not thrown up once my entire pregnancy. My ankles, hands, and face have not swollen or become unrecognizable. (My wedding ring still falls off my finger from time to time.) I've had no heartburn or found foods that I could not eat. I didn't gain 50 pounds. (Though I think this has more to do with the fact that I live in Korea and couldn't eat In & Out or Chipotle twice a day like I wished I could. I think if I had been pregnant in the States, I would have been able to indulge my cravings far more often and would definitely have gained a LOT more weight.)

6.) Sometimes, when I'm driving around or cleaning the house or just watching TV, Baby would kick me as if to let me know that I wasn't alone. I've carried on many one-sided conversations with the baby, telling it about my day, or how I'm feeling, or confessing just how truly scared I am about bringing them into the world and about being a good mother. And sometimes, just sometimes, the baby will move in just such a way that I know that they understand. And think I'll do just fine.

What I Have Not Liked

1.) The waiting. I am severely lacking in patience and nine months of gestation just seems like cruel and unusual punishment. At least I can be grateful that I'm not an elephant, who can have gestation periods of up to 22 months.

2.) The unknown. There's always that little voice in the back of my mind that whispers that something may be wrong. Maybe my baby will have eleven toes instead of ten. Maybe they'll have a learning disability or have some rare genetic disease. Maybe I'll have to have an emergency C-section or I didn't eat enough vegetables and the baby will never eat carrots and forever have bad eyesight. But then there's the voice that tells me that even if my baby isn't perfect, I'll still think that they are.

3.) The stretch marks. Oh, the stretch marks. I joyously thought I'd dodged another bullet and managed to not get stretch marks, but it turns out that I just couldn't see them because my belly was too big. When I finally noticed that they were there, I was depressed for a week. It's not like I ever paraded my bare stomach around for all the world to see before I got pregnant, but my belly will not most assuredly never see the light of day now.

4.) Physically, pregnancy has been relatively easy on me. But I was simply unprepared for how mentally and emotionally difficult it has been on me. I'd like to put all the blame on the crazy pregnancy hormones, but that wouldn't really be accurate. While I was quite happy through my first two trimesters, I've been having a rough time of it these last three months. I did feel much better when my mom told me that she was often depressed in her third trimester and that it's quite normal for expectant mothers to fall into these funks. I just hope that since depression has hit me now, I can maybe avoid having post-partum depression as well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

5.) Recognizing that my body has limitations. I keep forgetting that I can't run or walk as fast as I used to, that I can't sleep on my stomach, or even sit up without some assistance. I can't wait to have my body back and to not feel like I need a nap after running a 15-minute errand. I like to think about what a beautiful and selfless sacrifice I've made to carry this child and bring it into the world, but some days, I really do feel like nothing more than a walking incubator and I'm ready for that to be over. All I can say is that I'm truly grateful we have a nice air conditioned car.

6.) I did not have a single conversation at church today that did not involve a discussion of my baby, my due date, my excitement level, or how I'm feeling about being large with child. And while I completely understand that my massive belly is my most distinguishing characteristic right now, I can't wait to feel like an individual with my own identity again that is separate from my maternal state. I just hope the conversations I have post-partum will not revolve exclusively around poopy diapers or breastfeeding.

I just have to keep remembering that the end is in sight. And soon I'll have my own baby in my own two arms. Please just tell me that it's all been worth it. And even if it's not, just lie and tell me that it is, okay? 'Cause there's just no turning back now.