Everyone warned me that three kids was the hardest number and they weren't lying. There were certainly a few moments in those first few weeks where I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown. But for the most part, I think I've been handling the jump to three kids pretty well. I definitely have to be more regimented and stick to a routine as much as possible in order to not have our house devolve into utter chaos. It definitely helps that Zara is in kindergarten now so her school schedule forces us to have some semblance of structure. There are days that I'm able to be productive and on top of things, and there are some days when the house is in shambles and I never get out of my pajamas. But we're working towards a new normal and I'm pretty proud of myself for juggling all these babies.
The other day, as I was walking with Adelaide and Benjamin to pick up Zara from school, I kept thinking how incredibly lucky we have been to be blessed with three such beautiful and healthy children. How did I get so lucky when I know so many people who have not been able to have children of their own or who have endured multiple miscarriages? Or who have had children but deal with health and behavioral issues on a wide spectrum ranging from learning disabilities to food allergies to autism or cancer. (And who work tirelessly to provide the absolute best for their children no matter their circumstances. I am in awe of these parents.) And yes, my children are still young and there may yet be some devastating diagnoses in our future, but for now, we're luckier than we really deserve to be.
But amid this good fortune lurks the ever-present fear that something may happen to these children of mine, whether an illness, accident or something more serious. The hardest part of loving someone is living with the knowledge that you could loose it all. It keeps me up at night and knocks the breath out of my lungs when I least expect it. It can be debilitating sometimes, this constant fear, but the rational side of me insists I still move forward, tells me I need to let my children experience the world for themselves no matter how hard it is and how difficult the consequences may be.
To give my heart to these three babies is the hardest thing I've ever done....because it also means I have to be open to the possibility of someday having to live without them again too. I just hope in this thing as well we continue to be far luckier than we deserve to be. I can't do without this family of mine.





