After graduating from GWU four years ago, I told myself that I'd go back and get my Ph.D.....someday. I figured I'd have more babies and raise a family and then, when I was good and old and wrinkled, I'd wander back into academia to finally finish that dream of mine. Despite my passion for history, I have still often doubted my ability to actually do a Ph.D. Some part of that is just the sheer exhaustion at the thought of how much work it would require and another small part was that niggling bit of doubt that said I wasn't actually smart enough.
Last week, I was sitting in my office, contemplating life, when I remembered an unopened letter of reference sitting in my research files. I had asked one of my favorite professors to write me a letter of recommendation for a lecturer position at a community college in Hawaii right after I graduated. My professor kindly agreed and sent me several sealed and signed copies. I never did apply for that position--chickened out, I think--and those letters of recommendation have just sat in my graduate folders for years and years. I was often curious about what they said, but I thought they were better left where they were. Another professor had written me a recommendation, which I had read, and it was very standard and uninspiring. Though I knew the other professor to be very supportive of his students' work, I figured his recommendation would be similarly banal.
I had let that letter sit, unopened and unread, for four years, and always resisted the urge to read it. But suddenly curiosity got the better of me. I couldn't wait any longer. So I opened it and read it.
And I was amazed.
It was heartfelt and effulgent in its praise of my skills, my intelligence, aptitude, and research abilities. It blew me away. (I would really love to quote the whole thing here, but that would just be narcissistic.)
Suddenly, so many of my doubts and fears have washed away. I know I can do a Ph.D. I know I can excel. I know I have what it takes. But I also know that I don't want to wait much longer. Where I used to be content with the idea of waiting 10, even 15 years to return to school, that timeline has shortened drastically. And that letter of recommendation was just the fire I needed to get me seriously thinking about it again.
Now, I know there are a lot of factors at play here and it would be completely unrealistic of me to go back to school until David has been able to establish himself in his own career. But finance work can be done almost anywhere and the programs I've begun looking into are within easy distance of many of the locations where David could potentially work for the company of his choice. And where I was once okay with the thought of doing a Ph.D. at any old school, my aspirations have grown much higher so that my top choices are now Harvard, Yale, and the University of Delaware.
I know it's a complete long shot and it's still several years away. But the idea is just so exciting to me right now that I can't help but share. In the meantime, I'm keeping that letter of recommendation close by to re-read whenever I need a little inspiration and a reminder that I'm actually capable of doing some remarkable things.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
My Favorite Ear
I never thought about favoring one ear over another, but I totally do....and unfortunately, my favorite ear is [was] my left ear. David rightly pointed out that that probably stems from the fact that I'm left handed. I answer my phone with my left hand and automatically hold it up to my left ear. David sleeps on my left side, so I use my left ear to hear him when we talk before bedtime. I tend to sleep on my right side, so my left ear is the one that is exposed to listen for baby cries during the night. Take away my ability to hear out of my left ear and it makes for an interesting world. Since I have this [hopefully temporary] insight into the world of the hearing-impaired, I thought I'd share a few observations:
Deafness does not mean silence. Maybe that's true for people who are completely and 100% deaf. But what deafness really means is noise; indiscernible, crackling, buzzing strings of static noise. When your ear can't hear sounds and words in their proper way, your ear produces noise anyway. There's always a constant roar of white noise in my ear....which makes hearing out of my right ear more difficult, because I have to filter out the static to understand the words people are saying to me. Crowded spaces are the absolute worst because my ear cannot filter out one noise from the other. I took Zara to Story Time at the Provo Library this week and it was 25 minutes of pure auditory torture. Though the storytellers wore microphones, I only heard about 50% of what they said, because every toddler shriek, every baby cry resonated just as loudly in my ear as did the main speakers. Normally, those background noises are filtered out, but hearing loss prevents that from happening as successfully as it should. It can be an extremely disorienting experience.
Volume is not always the solution to communication. Generally, I can hear people fine if they speak in their normal "indoor voice;" the real trouble is speed and enunciation. Speaking a little louder certainly helps, but I find that speaking clearly and deliberately makes the biggest difference.
Listening is a skill which not many people possess. I know this because I have not always been a great listener. I am a woman, therefore I multi-task. And listening was a job to be done in tandem with some other task: washing the dishes, folding the laundry, reading a book. But when you have only one ear to hear, you stop to listen. Mostly, because you're just grateful that you still can, but because listening--truly listening--involves more than just hearing. It involves looking. It involves contact. I find that I understand what is being said to me so much better when I actually watch a person speak to me. It's not just about hearing them better either. Sure, it helps to watch their mouth as they talk, but when I can truly connect with a person, I understand not just their words, but their tone, their body language, their emotions.
The good news is that I do feel that my hearing has improved somewhat in the last week. It's not as drastic a change as I had hoped for, but I can at least hear words out of my left ear now, and not just muffled Charlie Brown sounds. Sometimes I don't even notice the constant static in my ear, but other times it's beyond frustrating. The first week of my hearing loss, I slept really really well. (And thankfully Zara did too because I probably wouldn't have heard her even if she had woken up in the middle of the night.) A muffled world brings a great quietness at night which I found very comforting to sleep in. But the medication I've been taking since Monday causes insomnia so the last few nights have not gone well. (But I am getting a lot of reading done in the wee hours of the morning.)
The other perk or downside (take your pick) is that I did have to completely wean Zara of breastfeeding this week. I'd already weaned her of her daytime and pre-bedtime feedings, but I was still nursing her if she woke up in the middle of the night (for comfort) or first thing in the morning. I knew it really wasn't necessary to continue to nurse her, but since I was still willing and Zara was still interested, I just kept doing it. Even though my medication may not harm her, I really didn't want to take a chance because it does pass through the breast milk. She hasn't had breast milk since Tuesday and I'm pleased to say that she's doing just fine. Yesterday was the first day that she really seemed aggravated that she couldn't have any, but she seems to be content with lots of hugs and a sippy cup full of juice. I really didn't think Zara would ever willingly wean herself, so I'm grateful that she's taken this so well. There are all sorts of small miracles at work. I'm still holding out hope that there's a big one in store for my hearing as well.
Deafness does not mean silence. Maybe that's true for people who are completely and 100% deaf. But what deafness really means is noise; indiscernible, crackling, buzzing strings of static noise. When your ear can't hear sounds and words in their proper way, your ear produces noise anyway. There's always a constant roar of white noise in my ear....which makes hearing out of my right ear more difficult, because I have to filter out the static to understand the words people are saying to me. Crowded spaces are the absolute worst because my ear cannot filter out one noise from the other. I took Zara to Story Time at the Provo Library this week and it was 25 minutes of pure auditory torture. Though the storytellers wore microphones, I only heard about 50% of what they said, because every toddler shriek, every baby cry resonated just as loudly in my ear as did the main speakers. Normally, those background noises are filtered out, but hearing loss prevents that from happening as successfully as it should. It can be an extremely disorienting experience.
Volume is not always the solution to communication. Generally, I can hear people fine if they speak in their normal "indoor voice;" the real trouble is speed and enunciation. Speaking a little louder certainly helps, but I find that speaking clearly and deliberately makes the biggest difference.
Listening is a skill which not many people possess. I know this because I have not always been a great listener. I am a woman, therefore I multi-task. And listening was a job to be done in tandem with some other task: washing the dishes, folding the laundry, reading a book. But when you have only one ear to hear, you stop to listen. Mostly, because you're just grateful that you still can, but because listening--truly listening--involves more than just hearing. It involves looking. It involves contact. I find that I understand what is being said to me so much better when I actually watch a person speak to me. It's not just about hearing them better either. Sure, it helps to watch their mouth as they talk, but when I can truly connect with a person, I understand not just their words, but their tone, their body language, their emotions.
The good news is that I do feel that my hearing has improved somewhat in the last week. It's not as drastic a change as I had hoped for, but I can at least hear words out of my left ear now, and not just muffled Charlie Brown sounds. Sometimes I don't even notice the constant static in my ear, but other times it's beyond frustrating. The first week of my hearing loss, I slept really really well. (And thankfully Zara did too because I probably wouldn't have heard her even if she had woken up in the middle of the night.) A muffled world brings a great quietness at night which I found very comforting to sleep in. But the medication I've been taking since Monday causes insomnia so the last few nights have not gone well. (But I am getting a lot of reading done in the wee hours of the morning.)
The other perk or downside (take your pick) is that I did have to completely wean Zara of breastfeeding this week. I'd already weaned her of her daytime and pre-bedtime feedings, but I was still nursing her if she woke up in the middle of the night (for comfort) or first thing in the morning. I knew it really wasn't necessary to continue to nurse her, but since I was still willing and Zara was still interested, I just kept doing it. Even though my medication may not harm her, I really didn't want to take a chance because it does pass through the breast milk. She hasn't had breast milk since Tuesday and I'm pleased to say that she's doing just fine. Yesterday was the first day that she really seemed aggravated that she couldn't have any, but she seems to be content with lots of hugs and a sippy cup full of juice. I really didn't think Zara would ever willingly wean herself, so I'm grateful that she's taken this so well. There are all sorts of small miracles at work. I'm still holding out hope that there's a big one in store for my hearing as well.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sudden Sensorineural Hearing Loss
Sudden Sensorineural Hearing Loss.
I had the doctor repeat those words to me several times today. That sensorineural part kept tripping me up.
And I'm a little hard of hearing these days.
What started out last Sunday as an unpleasant (though somewhat amusing) case of vertigo and a constant ringing in my left ear has led to a diagnosis of Sudden Sensorineural Hearing Loss. Meaning that I have suffered a severe loss of hearing in my left inner ear which may or may not be permanent.
At my initial visit to my family practice doctor last Monday, they cleaned out my ear, predicted that it was just a combination of wax build-up and/or fluid which would clear up on its own and sent me on my way. I had no reason to believe otherwise: I had not experienced any trauma to my ear, had not attended any loud concerts (sadly, it's been WAY too long since my last concert), and don't make a habit of working on loud construction projects. I had no reason to believe that my ringing was anything serious.
But by Thursday, when the ringing was still present and my hearing had not improved, I called my doctor for a follow-up and they recommended that I make an appointment with an ENT (ear, nose, and throat specialist). I called one of their referred doctors on Friday, and was pleased to get an appointment for today (Monday). Having dealt with military doctors for the last few years, getting an appointment so soon still amazes me. With military doctors, you have to make an appointment a month out, at least.
It was a good thing I got in so soon because SSNHL needs to be treated immediately; at least 14 days from the time of the initial hearing loss and within 30 days maximum. Otherwise, the chances of reversing the hearing loss are almost negligible. As it stands now, I have a 50% chance of having any of my hearing return, but I don't think my doctor is very confident that I'll have much return since my audiology test today showed that I've suffered significant damage. (As in, I can't hear a dang thing out of my left ear except for very low decibel sounds. I can't hear any words. I can, however, hear Suyom purring which is oddly comforting.)
The course of action now is to take a tapered dosage of steroids to hopefully ease the swelling in the nerves of my inner ear in the hope that that will prevent the hearing loss from being permanent. In two weeks, I'll visit the ENT and audiologist again to see if there's been any improvement in my hearing and I may have to continue to take more steroids for another two weeks. After that, we just have to wait and see if anything improves, but after a year, it's considered permanent. (And with this type of nerve damage, a hearing aid would be useless.)
So what was the cause? My doctor suspects that my last cold spread a viral infection to my ear which damaged the cochlea. A cold.
As my doctor said, SSNHL is just bad luck.
Bad luck, certainly. But I have the feeling that this was no accident. Whether or not the damage is permanent--and I certainly hope that it is not because being deaf in one ear is not enjoyable at all--I have felt often this week that this happened for a reason and that I have something to learn from this experience.
I just hope that that lesson can be learned in the next few weeks, and not over the rest of my life.
So friends, if you have any extra prayers or good thoughts to spare, send them toward my left ear. It would very much appreciate it.
I had the doctor repeat those words to me several times today. That sensorineural part kept tripping me up.
And I'm a little hard of hearing these days.
What started out last Sunday as an unpleasant (though somewhat amusing) case of vertigo and a constant ringing in my left ear has led to a diagnosis of Sudden Sensorineural Hearing Loss. Meaning that I have suffered a severe loss of hearing in my left inner ear which may or may not be permanent.
At my initial visit to my family practice doctor last Monday, they cleaned out my ear, predicted that it was just a combination of wax build-up and/or fluid which would clear up on its own and sent me on my way. I had no reason to believe otherwise: I had not experienced any trauma to my ear, had not attended any loud concerts (sadly, it's been WAY too long since my last concert), and don't make a habit of working on loud construction projects. I had no reason to believe that my ringing was anything serious.
But by Thursday, when the ringing was still present and my hearing had not improved, I called my doctor for a follow-up and they recommended that I make an appointment with an ENT (ear, nose, and throat specialist). I called one of their referred doctors on Friday, and was pleased to get an appointment for today (Monday). Having dealt with military doctors for the last few years, getting an appointment so soon still amazes me. With military doctors, you have to make an appointment a month out, at least.
It was a good thing I got in so soon because SSNHL needs to be treated immediately; at least 14 days from the time of the initial hearing loss and within 30 days maximum. Otherwise, the chances of reversing the hearing loss are almost negligible. As it stands now, I have a 50% chance of having any of my hearing return, but I don't think my doctor is very confident that I'll have much return since my audiology test today showed that I've suffered significant damage. (As in, I can't hear a dang thing out of my left ear except for very low decibel sounds. I can't hear any words. I can, however, hear Suyom purring which is oddly comforting.)
The course of action now is to take a tapered dosage of steroids to hopefully ease the swelling in the nerves of my inner ear in the hope that that will prevent the hearing loss from being permanent. In two weeks, I'll visit the ENT and audiologist again to see if there's been any improvement in my hearing and I may have to continue to take more steroids for another two weeks. After that, we just have to wait and see if anything improves, but after a year, it's considered permanent. (And with this type of nerve damage, a hearing aid would be useless.)
So what was the cause? My doctor suspects that my last cold spread a viral infection to my ear which damaged the cochlea. A cold.
As my doctor said, SSNHL is just bad luck.
Bad luck, certainly. But I have the feeling that this was no accident. Whether or not the damage is permanent--and I certainly hope that it is not because being deaf in one ear is not enjoyable at all--I have felt often this week that this happened for a reason and that I have something to learn from this experience.
I just hope that that lesson can be learned in the next few weeks, and not over the rest of my life.
So friends, if you have any extra prayers or good thoughts to spare, send them toward my left ear. It would very much appreciate it.
Monday, February 13, 2012
When it rains, it pours....
It really is true....sometimes when it rains, it pours. Both in good and in less-than-good ways.
It's been a great three months: we got awesome callings which we love, I have the best job in the world (for me), and our toddler just grows cuter and cuter by the nanosecond. In some ways, the blessings have been poured out abundantly and I'm very grateful for that.
But in the last three months, I've also been sick more times than I've been in the last three years. Seriously. I went my whole pregnancy without a single bout of morning sickness or sneeze, and spent the first year of Zara's life enjoying excellent health and was growing rather used it. And then suddenly BAM! Sicknesses galore! I've had:
Cold
Stomach flu/bug
Cold
Headaches
Vertigo/weird ear thing
I mean, what's with vertigo anyway? It's not even a real illness....just a weird "everything is spinning" kinda fun house. So far, I'm not a fan.
It started yesterday at church. We were just about to teach our Sunday School lesson when my left ear decided to shut down or something and all I could hear was a loud ringing. I managed to teach my portion of the lesson (David and I team teach so we split up the lesson) with a constant buzz in my ear. I figured it would eventually go away, but by Relief Society, I was in a full-on dizzy tailspin.
I called our doctor's office first thing in the morning and got an appointment right away. They cleaned out my ear, which had a little bit of build-up, but it's still closed for business. At least the ringing has gone away, but I'm getting a very real glimpse into the life of deafness. I swear, I can see people talking to me, but I honestly can't hear what they are saying to me. I keep telling David to speak louder, and he just says, "Is this what it's going to be like when we're old and decrepit?" but apparently old is relative term when it comes to my body these days. I really hope this is just a short phase and that my ear will "pop" soon. I'd love to hear again.
The vertigo seems to be improving....or maybe I'm just getting more used to the world constantly tilting on its axis? I can't tell. Today was better, but I have a feeling that the only cure for vertigo is time and a lot of rest.
Apparently, my body does not agree with turning 29. I don't even want to imagine what a joyride it's going to take me on when I turn 30.
Until, I guess I'll just try to enjoy the free rollercoaster.
It's been a great three months: we got awesome callings which we love, I have the best job in the world (for me), and our toddler just grows cuter and cuter by the nanosecond. In some ways, the blessings have been poured out abundantly and I'm very grateful for that.
But in the last three months, I've also been sick more times than I've been in the last three years. Seriously. I went my whole pregnancy without a single bout of morning sickness or sneeze, and spent the first year of Zara's life enjoying excellent health and was growing rather used it. And then suddenly BAM! Sicknesses galore! I've had:
Cold
Stomach flu/bug
Cold
Headaches
Vertigo/weird ear thing
I mean, what's with vertigo anyway? It's not even a real illness....just a weird "everything is spinning" kinda fun house. So far, I'm not a fan.
It started yesterday at church. We were just about to teach our Sunday School lesson when my left ear decided to shut down or something and all I could hear was a loud ringing. I managed to teach my portion of the lesson (David and I team teach so we split up the lesson) with a constant buzz in my ear. I figured it would eventually go away, but by Relief Society, I was in a full-on dizzy tailspin.
I called our doctor's office first thing in the morning and got an appointment right away. They cleaned out my ear, which had a little bit of build-up, but it's still closed for business. At least the ringing has gone away, but I'm getting a very real glimpse into the life of deafness. I swear, I can see people talking to me, but I honestly can't hear what they are saying to me. I keep telling David to speak louder, and he just says, "Is this what it's going to be like when we're old and decrepit?" but apparently old is relative term when it comes to my body these days. I really hope this is just a short phase and that my ear will "pop" soon. I'd love to hear again.
The vertigo seems to be improving....or maybe I'm just getting more used to the world constantly tilting on its axis? I can't tell. Today was better, but I have a feeling that the only cure for vertigo is time and a lot of rest.
Apparently, my body does not agree with turning 29. I don't even want to imagine what a joyride it's going to take me on when I turn 30.
Until, I guess I'll just try to enjoy the free rollercoaster.
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