Ph.D. Dreaming

After graduating from GWU four years ago, I told myself that I'd go back and get my Ph.D.....someday. I figured I'd have more babies and raise a family and then, when I was good and old and wrinkled, I'd wander back into academia to finally finish that dream of mine. Despite my passion for history, I have still often doubted my ability to actually do a Ph.D. Some part of that is just the sheer exhaustion at the thought of how much work it would require and another small part was that niggling bit of doubt that said I wasn't actually smart enough.

Last week, I was sitting in my office, contemplating life, when I remembered an unopened letter of reference sitting in my research files. I had asked one of my favorite professors to write me a letter of recommendation for a lecturer position at a community college in Hawaii right after I graduated. My professor kindly agreed and sent me several sealed and signed copies. I never did apply for that position--chickened out, I think--and those letters of recommendation have just sat in my graduate folders for years and years. I was often curious about what they said, but I thought they were better left where they were. Another professor had written me a recommendation, which I had read, and it was very standard and uninspiring. Though I knew the other professor to be very supportive of his students' work, I figured his recommendation would be similarly banal.

I had let that letter sit, unopened and unread, for four years, and always resisted the urge to read it. But suddenly curiosity got the better of me. I couldn't wait any longer. So I opened it and read it.

And I was amazed.

It was heartfelt and effulgent in its praise of my skills, my intelligence, aptitude, and research abilities. It blew me away. (I would really love to quote the whole thing here, but that would just be narcissistic.)

Suddenly, so many of my doubts and fears have washed away. I know I can do a Ph.D. I know I can excel. I know I have what it takes. But I also know that I don't want to wait much longer. Where I used to be content with the idea of waiting 10, even 15 years to return to school, that timeline has shortened drastically. And that letter of recommendation was just the fire I needed to get me seriously thinking about it again.

Now, I know there are a lot of factors at play here and it would be completely unrealistic of me to go back to school until David has been able to establish himself in his own career. But finance work can be done almost anywhere and the programs I've begun looking into are within easy distance of many of the locations where David could potentially work for the company of his choice. And where I was once okay with the thought of doing a Ph.D. at any old school, my aspirations have grown much higher so that my top choices are now Harvard, Yale, and the University of Delaware.

I know it's a complete long shot and it's still several years away. But the idea is just so exciting to me right now that I can't help but share. In the meantime, I'm keeping that letter of recommendation close by to re-read whenever I need a little inspiration and a reminder that I'm actually capable of doing some remarkable things.