Remember how I said I wanted to post more frequently in 2012? See how well that's working out for me?

Yeah, I know. I wish I had some super awesome reason for why I've been slacking on the updates but really, there's not much to report on. Life has been pretty much the same around here. I don't mean to imply that life hasn't been good--because in many ways, it has been great--but it's just the same. But here are a few notable things to mention:

1.) David got an internship! Internships for MBA students are like a BIG HUGE deal which we've been hearing about since orientation back in August. It was really annoying to have everyone asking you where you'd be interning back when it was only November! School ended, though, with no prospects in sight and then suddenly, there were two different internships with two interviews back-to-back and it was insanity. But the end result is that David is interning with the real estate investment team of the Utah Retirement Systems. It's based in SLC which means he has a long commute, but at least he's here and not interning in some other state far away from me and Zara. His first day was today and I'm hoping that it will be a great experience for him.

2.) As a result of said internship, David purchased a second car so that we would both be able to get ourselves to work. His only requirement was that the car be a stick shift and David succeeded in that end. All I know about the car is that it's a green Saturn with tires in the back seat and that I'm seriously going to need a refresher course on driving a stick since it's been....oh, 12 years since I last drove one.

3.) Zara is my favorite child ever. I say this confidently because she is my only child.

4.) I have high hopes for having a great summer. I'm hoping we'll get out a little more on the weekends and explore more of Utah and hopefully make a trip down to San Diego at some point. Once taken has taken part one of the CFA exam (in June), we'll have the whole summer of no homework....which will be a first for our marriage. Yay!

Zara, for now

We're still alive and kicking over here in Utah. Just trying to survive the next few weeks, is all. It's been a rough month.

In other news, Zara is still the cutest baby on planet earth. And nothing you can say can convince me that she's not still a baby. Don't even think it. I swear she's still my tiny little baby. Except she's really not. But I'm in denial about that. And now, here's a few pictures from the last month:


Such a sad little pouty face. I don't know what had her so upset.




Zara has discovered the joy of a parental horseback ride. She likes to grab David's or my hand, push us to the floor and climb aboard.

Silly baby.
A few weeks back, Zara launched herself out of the shopping cart at Target. I think it was her worst fall yet and she was quite inconsolable for some time, but luckily, nothing broken or severely injured....just a little bruised and battered.

And this is how I spend the majority of my time. Being pulled along by a crazy toddler. I hope she knows where she's going. Someone around here should....

Love that girl.

Are you a Laman or a Nephi?

A little background for my non-Mormon friends: The Book of Mormon begins with the story of a family. Lehi, the father, Sariah, the mother, and several sons: Laman, Lemuel, Sam, Nephi, and later Jacob and Joseph. Based on the prophecies and visions of Lehi, the family leaves Jerusalem around 600 B.C. and travels to the American continents. Laman and Lemuel complain constantly about the "vain imaginations" of their father and their separation from their gold and possessions back in Jerusalem. Basically, they suck. Nephi and Sam, on the other hand, are faithful and diligent in following the commandments of God. Soon after Lehi dies, the family splits: the Lamanites become a wicked and proud people who spurn the gospel of Jesus Christ while the Nephites try to live by God's covenants. The majority of the Book of Mormon tells of the wars and contentions and preachings between the Nephites and Lamanities.

I've been thinking a lot about Laman and Nephi lately.

Mostly, I've been thinking how I can totally relate to Laman and isn't Nephi just a little bit of a show-off, anyhow? Who goes through life praising the Lord for all their trials and sufferings and afflictions? No one seriously jumps up and shouts, "I'll go and do!" when asked to do the impossible.

In dealing with my hearing loss, I've waded far out into the deep end of the Laman and Lemuel pool of righteous indignation and felt quite justified in shaking my first at the Lord. I've complained. I've lost hope. I've bargained with God. I've gotten angry.

I think most of us deal with our trials in this way. I think it's one of the first steps in dealing with grief and pain and loss and affliction, even if we've been taught to be one of those annoying Nephi types who face every hard thing that comes their way with a positive attitude and trust in the Lord. Those people are insane.

Or so I thought.

What I've come to discover is that we all have a bit of Laman in us. It's in our nature. But we can also have a bit of Nephi in us too. That's in our nature as well. It just takes a lot more work to dig that person out.

So, I'm happy to say that I think I'm past my period of Laman-like complaining. I think it was a necessary step for me to go through; it isn't for everyone, but it kinda is for me. The trick, I think, in the future, is making that period as short as possible.

I've had some time to reflect on life and gain some much needed perspective and even if my hearing loss does end up being permanent, I can honestly say now that life is still pretty great. Losing an ear isn't as bad as I wanted to believe it was. I'm actually quite optimistic about my chances of improvement and I'm trying really hard to face this trial with Nephi-like levels of faith.

It just makes life easier. Besides, it's a lot of work being mad at God.


For those who have been following the saga of Liz's left ear, here's an update: I went to the audiologist and ENT today to monitor my improvement after two weeks of steroid treatment. My first hearing test 2 weeks ago revealed that I had 0% speech recognition (meaning if you said a word in my left ear, I could not repeat it back to you) and a 60 decibel range of hearing loss. Zero percent! Every single word the audiologist said, I got wrong. That still astounds me. My test today, however, showed that I have 28% speech recognition and a slightly improved hearing decibel range. There's improvement--albeit a very small improvement--but improvement nonetheless. I started round two of a steroid treatment today and am optimistic that it will help my hearing improve even more. It's true that my chances of having my hearing return to normal are pretty much non-existent, but if I can get back up to 75% speech recognition, then I would have, as my doctor calls it, "an aidable ear" and I could get a hearing aid to help recover the rest of the hearing that I've lost. (A hearing aid would be useless if I can't recognize words in the first place...it would just make all the mumblings louder. Not exactly helpful.) My doctor said most hearing improvement happens with the first three months, but it can slowly improve over the course of a year. So if my ear can improve another 25% over the next two weeks of treatment, I'll be a happy camper indeed.

Ph.D. Dreaming

After graduating from GWU four years ago, I told myself that I'd go back and get my Ph.D.....someday. I figured I'd have more babies and raise a family and then, when I was good and old and wrinkled, I'd wander back into academia to finally finish that dream of mine. Despite my passion for history, I have still often doubted my ability to actually do a Ph.D. Some part of that is just the sheer exhaustion at the thought of how much work it would require and another small part was that niggling bit of doubt that said I wasn't actually smart enough.

Last week, I was sitting in my office, contemplating life, when I remembered an unopened letter of reference sitting in my research files. I had asked one of my favorite professors to write me a letter of recommendation for a lecturer position at a community college in Hawaii right after I graduated. My professor kindly agreed and sent me several sealed and signed copies. I never did apply for that position--chickened out, I think--and those letters of recommendation have just sat in my graduate folders for years and years. I was often curious about what they said, but I thought they were better left where they were. Another professor had written me a recommendation, which I had read, and it was very standard and uninspiring. Though I knew the other professor to be very supportive of his students' work, I figured his recommendation would be similarly banal.

I had let that letter sit, unopened and unread, for four years, and always resisted the urge to read it. But suddenly curiosity got the better of me. I couldn't wait any longer. So I opened it and read it.

And I was amazed.

It was heartfelt and effulgent in its praise of my skills, my intelligence, aptitude, and research abilities. It blew me away. (I would really love to quote the whole thing here, but that would just be narcissistic.)

Suddenly, so many of my doubts and fears have washed away. I know I can do a Ph.D. I know I can excel. I know I have what it takes. But I also know that I don't want to wait much longer. Where I used to be content with the idea of waiting 10, even 15 years to return to school, that timeline has shortened drastically. And that letter of recommendation was just the fire I needed to get me seriously thinking about it again.

Now, I know there are a lot of factors at play here and it would be completely unrealistic of me to go back to school until David has been able to establish himself in his own career. But finance work can be done almost anywhere and the programs I've begun looking into are within easy distance of many of the locations where David could potentially work for the company of his choice. And where I was once okay with the thought of doing a Ph.D. at any old school, my aspirations have grown much higher so that my top choices are now Harvard, Yale, and the University of Delaware.

I know it's a complete long shot and it's still several years away. But the idea is just so exciting to me right now that I can't help but share. In the meantime, I'm keeping that letter of recommendation close by to re-read whenever I need a little inspiration and a reminder that I'm actually capable of doing some remarkable things.

My Favorite Ear

I never thought about favoring one ear over another, but I totally do....and unfortunately, my favorite ear is [was] my left ear. David rightly pointed out that that probably stems from the fact that I'm left handed. I answer my phone with my left hand and automatically hold it up to my left ear. David sleeps on my left side, so I use my left ear to hear him when we talk before bedtime. I tend to sleep on my right side, so my left ear is the one that is exposed to listen for baby cries during the night. Take away my ability to hear out of my left ear and it makes for an interesting world. Since I have this [hopefully temporary] insight into the world of the hearing-impaired, I thought I'd share a few observations:

Deafness does not mean silence. Maybe that's true for people who are completely and 100% deaf. But what deafness really means is noise; indiscernible, crackling, buzzing strings of static noise. When your ear can't hear sounds and words in their proper way, your ear produces noise anyway. There's always a constant roar of white noise in my ear....which makes hearing out of my right ear more difficult, because I have to filter out the static to understand the words people are saying to me. Crowded spaces are the absolute worst because my ear cannot filter out one noise from the other. I took Zara to Story Time at the Provo Library this week and it was 25 minutes of pure auditory torture. Though the storytellers wore microphones, I only heard about 50% of what they said, because every toddler shriek, every baby cry resonated just as loudly in my ear as did the main speakers. Normally, those background noises are filtered out, but hearing loss prevents that from happening as successfully as it should. It can be an extremely disorienting experience.

Volume is not always the solution to communication. Generally, I can hear people fine if they speak in their normal "indoor voice;" the real trouble is speed and enunciation. Speaking a little louder certainly helps, but I find that speaking clearly and deliberately makes the biggest difference.

Listening is a skill which not many people possess. I know this because I have not always been a great listener. I am a woman, therefore I multi-task. And listening was a job to be done in tandem with some other task: washing the dishes, folding the laundry, reading a book. But when you have only one ear to hear, you stop to listen. Mostly, because you're just grateful that you still can, but because listening--truly listening--involves more than just hearing. It involves looking. It involves contact. I find that I understand what is being said to me so much better when I actually watch a person speak to me. It's not just about hearing them better either. Sure, it helps to watch their mouth as they talk, but when I can truly connect with a person, I understand not just their words, but their tone, their body language, their emotions.

The good news is that I do feel that my hearing has improved somewhat in the last week. It's not as drastic a change as I had hoped for, but I can at least hear words out of my left ear now, and not just muffled Charlie Brown sounds. Sometimes I don't even notice the constant static in my ear, but other times it's beyond frustrating. The first week of my hearing loss, I slept really really well. (And thankfully Zara did too because I probably wouldn't have heard her even if she had woken up in the middle of the night.) A muffled world brings a great quietness at night which I found very comforting to sleep in. But the medication I've been taking since Monday causes insomnia so the last few nights have not gone well. (But I am getting a lot of reading done in the wee hours of the morning.)

The other perk or downside (take your pick) is that I did have to completely wean Zara of breastfeeding this week. I'd already weaned her of her daytime and pre-bedtime feedings, but I was still nursing her if she woke up in the middle of the night (for comfort) or first thing in the morning. I knew it really wasn't necessary to continue to nurse her, but since I was still willing and Zara was still interested, I just kept doing it. Even though my medication may not harm her, I really didn't want to take a chance because it does pass through the breast milk. She hasn't had breast milk since Tuesday and I'm pleased to say that she's doing just fine. Yesterday was the first day that she really seemed aggravated that she couldn't have any, but she seems to be content with lots of hugs and a sippy cup full of juice. I really didn't think Zara would ever willingly wean herself, so I'm grateful that she's taken this so well. There are all sorts of small miracles at work. I'm still holding out hope that there's a big one in store for my hearing as well.

Sudden Sensorineural Hearing Loss

Sudden Sensorineural Hearing Loss.

I had the doctor repeat those words to me several times today. That sensorineural part kept tripping me up.

And I'm a little hard of hearing these days.

What started out last Sunday as an unpleasant (though somewhat amusing) case of vertigo and a constant ringing in my left ear has led to a diagnosis of Sudden Sensorineural Hearing Loss. Meaning that I have suffered a severe loss of hearing in my left inner ear which may or may not be permanent.

At my initial visit to my family practice doctor last Monday, they cleaned out my ear, predicted that it was just a combination of wax build-up and/or fluid which would clear up on its own and sent me on my way. I had no reason to believe otherwise: I had not experienced any trauma to my ear, had not attended any loud concerts (sadly, it's been WAY too long since my last concert), and don't make a habit of working on loud construction projects. I had no reason to believe that my ringing was anything serious.

But by Thursday, when the ringing was still present and my hearing had not improved, I called my doctor for a follow-up and they recommended that I make an appointment with an ENT (ear, nose, and throat specialist). I called one of their referred doctors on Friday, and was pleased to get an appointment for today (Monday). Having dealt with military doctors for the last few years, getting an appointment so soon still amazes me. With military doctors, you have to make an appointment a month out, at least.

It was a good thing I got in so soon because SSNHL needs to be treated immediately; at least 14 days from the time of the initial hearing loss and within 30 days maximum. Otherwise, the chances of reversing the hearing loss are almost negligible. As it stands now, I have a 50% chance of having any of my hearing return, but I don't think my doctor is very confident that I'll have much return since my audiology test today showed that I've suffered significant damage. (As in, I can't hear a dang thing out of my left ear except for very low decibel sounds. I can't hear any words. I can, however, hear Suyom purring which is oddly comforting.)

The course of action now is to take a tapered dosage of steroids to hopefully ease the swelling in the nerves of my inner ear in the hope that that will prevent the hearing loss from being permanent. In two weeks, I'll visit the ENT and audiologist again to see if there's been any improvement in my hearing and I may have to continue to take more steroids for another two weeks. After that, we just have to wait and see if anything improves, but after a year, it's considered permanent. (And with this type of nerve damage, a hearing aid would be useless.)

So what was the cause? My doctor suspects that my last cold spread a viral infection to my ear which damaged the cochlea. A cold.

As my doctor said, SSNHL is just bad luck.

Bad luck, certainly. But I have the feeling that this was no accident. Whether or not the damage is permanent--and I certainly hope that it is not because being deaf in one ear is not enjoyable at all--I have felt often this week that this happened for a reason and that I have something to learn from this experience.

I just hope that that lesson can be learned in the next few weeks, and not over the rest of my life.

So friends, if you have any extra prayers or good thoughts to spare, send them toward my left ear. It would very much appreciate it.

When it rains, it pours....

It really is true....sometimes when it rains, it pours. Both in good and in less-than-good ways.

It's been a great three months: we got awesome callings which we love, I have the best job in the world (for me), and our toddler just grows cuter and cuter by the nanosecond. In some ways, the blessings have been poured out abundantly and I'm very grateful for that.

But in the last three months, I've also been sick more times than I've been in the last three years. Seriously. I went my whole pregnancy without a single bout of morning sickness or sneeze, and spent the first year of Zara's life enjoying excellent health and was growing rather used it. And then suddenly BAM! Sicknesses galore! I've had:

Cold
Stomach flu/bug
Cold
Headaches
Vertigo/weird ear thing

I mean, what's with vertigo anyway? It's not even a real illness....just a weird "everything is spinning" kinda fun house. So far, I'm not a fan.

It started yesterday at church. We were just about to teach our Sunday School lesson when my left ear decided to shut down or something and all I could hear was a loud ringing. I managed to teach my portion of the lesson (David and I team teach so we split up the lesson) with a constant buzz in my ear. I figured it would eventually go away, but by Relief Society, I was in a full-on dizzy tailspin.

I called our doctor's office first thing in the morning and got an appointment right away. They cleaned out my ear, which had a little bit of build-up, but it's still closed for business. At least the ringing has gone away, but I'm getting a very real glimpse into the life of deafness. I swear, I can see people talking to me, but I honestly can't hear what they are saying to me. I keep telling David to speak louder, and he just says, "Is this what it's going to be like when we're old and decrepit?" but apparently old is relative term when it comes to my body these days. I really hope this is just a short phase and that my ear will "pop" soon. I'd love to hear again.

The vertigo seems to be improving....or maybe I'm just getting more used to the world constantly tilting on its axis? I can't tell. Today was better, but I have a feeling that the only cure for vertigo is time and a lot of rest.

Apparently, my body does not agree with turning 29. I don't even want to imagine what a joyride it's going to take me on when I turn 30.

Until, I guess I'll just try to enjoy the free rollercoaster.

Lunar New Year!

Happy Lunar* New Year, from our Korean baby!
It's the year of the dragon, a very auspicious year. Our Chinese friends predict that many children will be born this year since a lot of parents want dragon children. I guess we'll have to wait and see if that's true.

In honor of the New Year, I made duk mandu gook, a traditional soup that Koreans eat every New Year's Eve. I became a little obsessed with the stuff near the end of our time in Korea and I make it often now. I thought I'd share my recipe because it's super quick and awesomely delicious, especially on a cold night.

I adapted my recipe from this recipe from the New York Times.

Ingredients
12 Mandu/Gyoza/Potstickers
4 cups beef broth, preferably Korean (see note)
1/2 bunch scallions
1 cup frozen Korean rice cakes, sliced (see note)
1 egg, lightly beaten
Black pepper, to taste
1 tablespoon toasted sesame seeds
Toasted seaweed (optional), julienned.

1. Place a large pot filled with broth over high heat. Prepare scallions: discard white parts, chop a few inches of green parts into rounds and slice remainder lengthwise. When broth boils, add 3 to 4 dumplings a person, reduce heat to medium and cook 5 to 7 minutes.

2. Add frozen rice cakes and scallion slices and cook until cakes are soft, another two minutes. Add eggs and gently stir. Shut off heat and season with black pepper. Ladle into bowls and garnish with scallion rounds, sesame seeds and seaweed, if using.

Note: For beef broth, dashida powder is sold in bags at Korean markets. Dissolve one teaspoon per cup of boiling water. Korean rice cakes, called duk, are sold in the freezer section of Korean markets; the wide slices are the most traditional. This makes 2-4 servings. It's best eaten right away; it doesn't always reheat well.

The two main ingredients are mandu and duk. Duk is a glutinous cake made from rice flour. When I first tried it, I didn't like it. It's weird and doesn't have much flavor. But it's kinda grown on me. My local Asian market doesn't carry the sliced duk so I just make do with the round kind that is generally used for dukbokki. I have made my mandu from scratch before (Cook's Illustrated has a great recipe), but I typically buy mine. I prefer the pork filled mandu, since that's what they use in Korea, but you could use chicken or beef potstickers too.

You could use regular beef broth but dashida (Korea beef broth) is SO much better and easy to find in any Asian market. This is the broth powder that I brought home with me from Korea. I also sometimes throw in a little anchovies powder because other recipes I saw included it, but it's not essential.

The trick with the egg is to slowly and gently stir your broth with a chopstick while pouring in your beaten egg. I love the egg. And in less than 30 minutes, you have a delicious Korean soup. Mmmm.

After dinner (and the baby had been tucked away in bed), I broke out the box of hotteok I bought before we left Korea. There was a little stand near our apartment in Seoul that sold these delicious cinnamon filled pancakes, which are a popular Korean street food, especially in the winter months. I think they'd be super easy to re-create even without the mix. I think next year, I'll definitely have to find my own recipe.
After letting the dough rise a bit, you fill it with a mixture of sugar, cinnamon, and nuts and then fry them them up.
The insides get all gooey and delicious.
David approved. I don't think I'll be able to eat hotteok without instantly being transported back to a cold winter day in Seoul. Oh, the memories.

Our New Year's was topped off by the first real snowfall of the year. The world is beautiful and wonderful all covered in snow. Hope you all had a wonderful New Year!


Here in the Malone household, we say "Lunar New Year" instead of "Chinese New Year" in deference to all those other Asians who are not, in fact, Chinese. :)

Thanksgiving 2011

Yes, yes, I know that we're way past Thanksgiving time, but I wanted to share some of the photos I took from our week in San Diego to celebrate Thanksgiving. We had a great time with friends and family. And eating. Oh yes, we did eat!

Poor little baby was so tuckered out, she fell asleep on the bed while David was reading. My parents' cat Bronte joined them. Sadly, Bronte was hit by a car and killed just before Christmas. She was a sweet little cat.

My sister drove down from Lemoore with her three kids. Zara loves spending time with her cousins. I think she especially likes Anna. They even had matching pajamas (which was so not done on purpose, by the way).
Zara and Seth, who are three weeks apart.

And general mayhem rules when six of the seven Hayman grandkids are afoot.

The day after Thanksgiving, or was it Saturday? we went for a walk down by Lake Hodges.


Seth just kills me. His cuteness grew by leaps and bounds when he started walking. I don't know why, but Seth walking is just about the cutest thing I've every seen.

Besides this adorable little thing, of course.

It didn't take long before my brother-in-law Brigham was carrying/pushing all three of his kids. Talk about a work horse.

Now, maybe if I try really hard, I can get our Christmas pictures up sometime before Valentine's. :)

Welcome 2012

As I was running around doing my errands today (it being Thursday, my designated errand day), I just kept thinking "life is good" and marveling at how content I feel. I have felt forms of contentedness over the years, but never such a complete fullness and happiness. It's a marvelous feeling, to feel that life is good and know it is true.

Zara has reached an age where she's (for the most part) absolutely adorable and delightful to be around. She's independent enough to play on her own but still loving and affectionate. She babbles almost constantly (David and I take turns translating her baby talk), giggles gleefully, runs circles around the cat, practices somersaults with much laughter and self-applause (we still don't know where she even learned how to somersault), and is generally just a fun little person to be around. It's amazing to watch her personality emerge more and more each day.

I've been working at BYU for a month now and love it a little more each day. Not only is it great to be back at a university and in an academic environment, but I really enjoy my job and the flexibility and intellectual outlet it offers me. My position is a brand-new one so I really get to create the job as I go along and it's so fulfilling to see how quickly I've already been able to make a difference. Plus, I just love working with all the history professors and the students.

David and I were also called to be the Gospel Doctrine teachers. We rotate with another teacher, but since there's two of us, we teach two Sundays and then the other teacher does one Sunday. We've taught two classes so far and I think they went really well and have received many compliments about the lessons. I love teaching and I have prayed and prayed to receive a teaching calling and yet I've always been called to do some form of activity planning. (Though I did teach the Sunbeams (kids age 3-4) for a little while.) You can imagine how overjoyed I was to receive this calling and to feel like I finally get to use the talents I possess to serve in the church. (My talents do not lie in party planning although I've certainly improved in those after all these years on the Enrichment/Activities Committee.) I love to teach because it gives me the motivation to study and learn....and I love to learn. Plus, this year we're studying The Book of Mormon which is full of such amazing power and doctrine. What could be better?

More than that, David is happier now that he's on the path to having a career he can truly enjoy, we have a comfortable home, a nice car, plenty of food to eat, and a very sweet kitty. Not that we don't have everyday worries. We certainly have those too and our future is still very much up in the air, but all in all, we've been very blessed. So yes, life is good.

I don't typically set New Year's Resolutions. I never keep them and I hate feeling like a failure. Besides, they're always vague and overly general, like "Be more patient!" or "Lose weight!" that it's hard to quantify them. But in an effort to hold myself to something and to continue my general sense of contentedness, here are a few of the goals I'd like to achieve this year in order to foster happiness:

1.) Blog at least once or twice a week. (My goal is to have 90 blog posts this year, up from 85 from 2011.)

2.) Set aside time to sew at least once a week. This is harder now that I'm working but I have many projects I need to finish and/or work on, and I do gain so much enjoyment from sewing that I need to be more proactive in spending time doing what I love.

3.) Read the scriptures every day. This is made so much easier now that I'm teaching Sunday School and really have a reason to do it.

4.) Say yes to service. I challenged myself recently to say yes whenever I could to service opportunities. I'm not really good at this, but I do belief you are greatly blessed for serving others and so I want to make a more concerted effort to do what I can.

5.) Spend quality time with David and Zara.

6.) Delve back into the world of history. Since I graduated from GWU four years ago, I've been telling myself that I would revisit some of my research projects in the hopes of publishing some articles. Now that I'm working at BYU, I have absolutely no excuse not to do this. I have access to their wonderful library and online resources and am surrounded by history professors who can offer guidance and peer review should I need it. I just need to do it!