I've been thinking a lot about Laman and Nephi lately.
Mostly, I've been thinking how I can totally relate to Laman and isn't Nephi just a little bit of a show-off, anyhow? Who goes through life praising the Lord for all their trials and sufferings and afflictions? No one seriously jumps up and shouts, "I'll go and do!" when asked to do the impossible.
In dealing with my hearing loss, I've waded far out into the deep end of the Laman and Lemuel pool of righteous indignation and felt quite justified in shaking my first at the Lord. I've complained. I've lost hope. I've bargained with God. I've gotten angry.
I think most of us deal with our trials in this way. I think it's one of the first steps in dealing with grief and pain and loss and affliction, even if we've been taught to be one of those annoying Nephi types who face every hard thing that comes their way with a positive attitude and trust in the Lord. Those people are insane.
Or so I thought.
What I've come to discover is that we all have a bit of Laman in us. It's in our nature. But we can also have a bit of Nephi in us too. That's in our nature as well. It just takes a lot more work to dig that person out.
So, I'm happy to say that I think I'm past my period of Laman-like complaining. I think it was a necessary step for me to go through; it isn't for everyone, but it kinda is for me. The trick, I think, in the future, is making that period as short as possible.
I've had some time to reflect on life and gain some much needed perspective and even if my hearing loss does end up being permanent, I can honestly say now that life is still pretty great. Losing an ear isn't as bad as I wanted to believe it was. I'm actually quite optimistic about my chances of improvement and I'm trying really hard to face this trial with Nephi-like levels of faith.
It just makes life easier. Besides, it's a lot of work being mad at God.
For those who have been following the saga of Liz's left ear, here's an update:
I went to the audiologist and ENT today to monitor my improvement after two weeks of steroid treatment. My first hearing test 2 weeks ago revealed that I had 0% speech recognition (meaning if you said a word in my left ear, I could not repeat it back to you) and a 60 decibel range of hearing loss. Zero percent! Every single word the audiologist said, I got wrong. That still astounds me. My test today, however, showed that I have 28% speech recognition and a slightly improved hearing decibel range. There's improvement--albeit a very small improvement--but improvement nonetheless. I started round two of a steroid treatment today and am optimistic that it will help my hearing improve even more. It's true that my chances of having my hearing return to normal are pretty much non-existent, but if I can get back up to 75% speech recognition, then I would have, as my doctor calls it, "an aidable ear" and I could get a hearing aid to help recover the rest of the hearing that I've lost. (A hearing aid would be useless if I can't recognize words in the first place...it would just make all the mumblings louder. Not exactly helpful.) My doctor said most hearing improvement happens with the first three months, but it can slowly improve over the course of a year. So if my ear can improve another 25% over the next two weeks of treatment, I'll be a happy camper indeed.
