If I were a reality show contestant....

I don't know when or why it happened, but I love reality shows. Love them. In the old days, when reality shows consisted of The Real World, the Bachelor, Survivor, or Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire, I wholeheartedly believed that reality television was a waste of time. I mean, who wants to watch a bunch of vapid "contestants" vying for the romantic attention of a man in front of ten cameras and all of America? I don't take much pleasure in watching people being idiots or conniving backstabbers or eating roaches.

Then, about 3 years ago, I caught the tail end of a Project Runway marathon on Bravo and was instantly hooked. I enjoy reality competitions like PR because the contestants are required to have some amount of talent....and the judging is (theoretically) based on talent and hard work and not always on personality. Since falling in love with Project Runway, I've slipped under the trap of several other reality shows. A whole lot of reality shows. More than I care to admit. Some are somewhat respectable to like (PR, Top Chef, The Biggest Loser) and then there are others that I pretend I don't watch (America's Next Top Model, Shear Genius, Top Design, and yes, even Dancing with the Stars) to name a few. Even though I hate that the producers play up the drama and often keep around less deserving people, I still can't stay away from these shows. And everytime I watch PR, I start to think back to the two clothing classes I took in high school and imagine that I could sew something awesome and after an episode of Top Chef, I take to the kitchen with newfound zeal. After watching contestants sweat off the pounds on The Biggest Loser, I always look at my sad self sitting on the couch, eating peanut butter M&M's and feel guilty (more on that later), and after eleven cycles of ANTM (which I still watch even though I've come to hate Tyra Banks), I've started smiling with my eyes. Whatever that means.

See, reality shows suck you in. Not that I think I could qualify being a contestant on a reality show (since I am neither a fashion designer, chef, interior designer, hair stylist, has-been celebrity, or a vacant 18 year-old who thinks she can model but can't walk in a straight line) but I often wonder what kind of contestant I would be on one of these shows since so much of how a person is portrayed is dependent on the editing. I mean, they take thousands of hours of footage, interviews, judging panels, etc. and whittle it down to a digestible 45 minute segment each week. And sometimes the editing monkeys are not kind. From my vast experience watching reality shows, I've determined that there are certain roles that need to be filled each season. And it makes me wonder.....which role would I fill?

The villain: The one you hate but who sticks around FOREVER because they create drama. These are the backstabbers, bad-mouthers, and sore losers who think they deserve to win because they are overly confident and feel entitled from day one. These are also the contestants who are most aware of their status as a reality TV personality and understand what makes for good drama. They strategize and manipulate and seem to care more about the big money prize at the end of the day, then getting recognized for their talent, work ethic, or basic human decency.


The whiner: Sometimes the whiner and the villain can be the same person (see Kenley, PR, Season 5). And that is the worst kind of person to have to watch. They complain about the challenges, they blame everything on the other contestants or the judges, and never take responsibility for their own bad choices, shoddy work, or eliminations. They are judgmental hypocrites but lucky for them, they don't know it.


The one with anger issues: There's always one who can't stop themselves from yelling or screaming or cursing at another contestant or judge, who hit inanimate objects in frustration, or who finally let go of their passive-aggressive behavior to have a big blow-out with another contestant over the stupidest and most inconsequential thing. Sometimes it's just an isolated incident that's played up for big effect, but you're always waiting for that person to blow their lid once again.


The nice guy: This is the contestant who more often than not you root for. They are hard-working, have their stuff together, and don't draw attention to themselves unless it's for their work ethic, excellent work, or creativity/innovation. They make friends easily, obviously have a moral compass and personal integrity, and accept criticism and critiques gracefully. They hardly have a bad thing to say about another contestant and even when they have an "off" day, the judges are sometimes a little more forgiving. Or they cut them loose, because nice guys never win.

The one with no personality: It depends on the show (ANTM is infamous for this edit) but there's always one or two contestants who get overlooked or ignored until they get eliminated for being forgettable. It's unfortunate because I often suspect that these "forgettable" people are actually the most intelligent, interesting, and genuine people in the bunch, but they just don't make for good TV. It's too bad because this are the type of people I like to watch, not the ignorant, loud-mouthed backstabbers who make you want to strangle your TV.

The ringer: The person picked from day one to be the "one to beat." They always get eliminated. Always. Or, at least, if they make it to the final, they hardly ever win. But they walk around with that X on their back until the day they finally lose. Sometimes you want them to win and sometimes, you just want them to go away.

The adorable gay man: Now, this isn't always a staple character, but they are always present on any show hosted by Bravo. (See Kayne, PR Season 3; Daniel, Shear Genius Season 2; and Nick, PR Season 2.) They are talented, but they also offer up the most hilarious one-liners, adeptly mock their fellow contestants, and have the most outlandish (and amusing) reactions to difficult situations. In short, they are fun to watch because they never loose their cool, stay grounded to who they are as a person, and don't mind showing their silly sides to all of America.

The lunatic: There's always one. The one who is slightly off their rocker or who is so ridiculous in their personality, personal style, or mannerisms, that you wonder what the producers were thinking when they allowed this person to be on their show. And by sheer dumb luck, they often remain a few weeks too many. (See Vincent, PR, Season 3.)

Certainly, this list doesn't encompass all the types and characters who enter reality competitions, but regardless of how you are edited, I believe there is a shred of truth to how you are presented. You really need to be on your best behavior, but that could run you the risk of being kicked off, but on the other hand, you could become hated by all of America. As much as I'd love to be the "nice guy," I'm often afraid that I'd get the "mean girl" edit because sometimes I can help thinking or saying mean and judgemental things. Or I think I'd be the one with no personality because I'd be so afraid of saying something bad that I wouldn't say anything at all. In the end, I've concluded that I would never want to be on a reality show (a game show like Jeopardy, I'm all in) but it's lucky for me that there aren't any reality shows out there for unemployed military wives who spend their time cooking, baking, shopping at Wal-Mart (because there are no Targets) and watching reality TV all day long. At least there's that.

And now that I've spent way too much time thinking about reality shows, I'm going to go to Wal-Mart.