First things first: I'm still pregnant.
I had really thought I'd have had this baby by now, but baby is apparently quite comfortable where she is. I, on the other hand, am not. I don't remember if I was this uncomfortable in my last few days with Zara but I'm here now to get it in writing that being 9 months pregnant and minutes from your due date SUCKS. As much as I'm opposed to unnecessary inductions, I'd almost welcome it now. (My midwife, however, does not do inductions so I can't be tempted. But I am. Oh I am.)
It hurts to move. To stand upright. To sit down. To lay down. My stomach is expansive and seems to grow bigger by the minute. My skin is stretched so tight that I think it might start to break apart. It grows more and more sensitive to touch and the feel of any sort of fabric against my skin. (But not covering my belly is NOT going to happen so I have to deal with it.) I have no energy and I'm always tired but I can't sleep. I have to pee approximately every half hour because the baby's head is pressing on my bladder. I just hang around, waiting for something to happen. I can't walk more than a 100 yards without feeling like my uterus is going to fall right out of my body.
And though I've been through labor and I take the perspective that I can withstand anything for a day, I'm still slightly relieved that I haven't gone into labor yet because. I'm tired. And I just want to sleep. And labor is hard--but rewarding--work. I wake up every morning surprised to discover that I'm still pregnant. Not because I expected to give birth in my sleep, but because for just a brief, blissful moment, I forgot that I am pregnant and my body was once again my own. And then reality sets in again.
When I think about my friends and family members who have done this three, four, five, six times, I seriously start to think they may be just a little bit insane. I've always wanted children. I still want more children (I think, I may take that back once this girl is on the outside), but it's going to take a lot of convince me to do this again in the future.
But I also know that when labor is over and done with, when this baby is no longer inside me, but in my arms, I'll be awed and inspired and humbled and grateful and forgive her for all the aches and pain and sleepless nights and simply be in love.
And that's the part I hope I never forget and I try to hold onto as I wait and wait and wait....
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Liz, I hope the baby comes soon for you and that you get your body back. :) Most of all, like I'm sure you do, I wish a happy, healthy little girl for you. I appreciate your words and your thoughts about enduring through the end. Just to put another perspective out there, to give you another thought to help push through, I want to share with you that I am jealous of just about everyone that gets where you are. The day my daughter was born, 7 weeks early, I had such sorrow in knowing that it was all going to be over. I know it sounds crazy, because I do know what the end feels like from when I was pregnant with Ephram. That time I was in my doctor's office crying and begging to be done. But still, a year after Macie's birth, I sometimes wish that I could have had that with her. It is almost like a rite of passage with your child - they're crammed and ready to leave, and you're miserable with size and pressure. But it does somehow help with the bond to your baby... you're doing this last part together. And just in case you do decide she will be the last, this may be your last time to experience it. I know, I know it sounds crazy... and if you would have told me that I would mourn the loss of the discomfort from the last couple of weeks, I would have laughed with you about your insanity... but, it's true. So, I will be sending you positive thoughts and praying that things will end for you as they should and soon... and I wish you and your family happiness in the weeks to come. :)
Dzana, thank you so much for your perspective. I know that I largely remembered my pregnancy with Zara as being a positive and beautiful experience and I imagine that in a few months, I won't remember this pregnancy as being quite so difficult. It's good to be reminded that I really can't complain about having an uncomplicated pregnancy and a healthy baby [so far].
Post a Comment