On Being an Introvert

I am an introvert; I hope this does not come as a shock to anyone. Reading a book is as necessary to me as breathing air. I crave alone time. I enjoy discussing difficult topics with thoughtful and respectful thinkers. I like to stay home where my environment is comfortable and familiar. I live, quite happily, within my head.

And all my life, I have thought this was the wrong way to be. 

See, we live in a world that favors extroverts—in all their gregarious and socialable glory—over the quiet observer. Every summer, as the new school year approached, I would meticulously arrange my back-to-school outfits and vow to God and my teddy bear Nick, that this year—this year!—was the year that I would be fun and outgoing and make new friends. I desperately wanted to be called “the life of the party” (whatever that means) and I secretly, fervently dreamed that I would nominated for the Homecoming court. (Delusional is also a good word for this particular pipedream.) 

Making friends, opening up to people...this was a tortuous process for me, fraught with self-doubt and disillusionment in my own worth. The sad reality is that I actually love to meet new people, to learn their stories and discuss their dreams and to connect as human beings. I just didn’t know how to achieve this without wading through small talk and mild pleasantries.

In Korea, a woman in our knitting group, a classic extrovert, was distraught over how to deal with her extremely introverted daughter. As we knit, my friend Kathryn, a wise introvert, would share how she felt and thought and dealt with her introvertness. It was the first time that I had ever realized that I was not alone in my experiences, and it gave me comfort. 

I read a book last week, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking and it changed my life. Susan Cain, the introverted author, exposes the benefits and beauties of being an introvert in a world that favors—rather unfairly—extroverts. For the first time, I felt that being an introvert was something of great power and purpose; a defining characteristic that gives me worth.

Most empowering—at least to me—was her determination (and much research backs this up) that introverts are not anti-social misanthropes, but rather, we are what are called “high reactives.” Unlike most extroverts, we have strong reactions to strange, loud, crowded or unfamiliar places. We are disoriented by social situations—not because we don’t like to be social, but the environment in which we are often forced to be social is distracting and disorienting. We favor intimate, familiar social settings, smaller groups, where we can have in-depth conversations that skip all the silly small talk that drives most introverts insane. 

Understanding this, and recognizing that most introverts feel this way, has been very helpful to me. It’s changed the way I perceive social situations and how I prepare myself to interact with people. 

But best of all….I have stopped feeling that just because I’m an introvert, I’m not as worthwhile a person as an extrovert. In fact, I love myself more now because I am an introvert. 

And that feels pretty good. 

I highly recommend reading Quiet or at the very least, check out Susan Cain's TED Talk from this past March: