The Suburbs

In honor of their very well-deserved Grammy win for Album of the Year, I'd like to share Arcade Fire's title track from their album, The Suburbs.



There are certain songs which will always connect me to a certain time, a certain moment, a certain feeling in my life. I can hear those songs, even now, and be instantly transported back. Some bring with them sweet memories and others recall pain and sadness. Many times, I have found answers in their lyrics and found a certain sense of solace that someone understands how I feel.

In the weeks near the end of my pregnancy, I played Arcade Fire's "7 Kettles" nearly non-stop. ("A watched pot won't ever boil. But I close my eyes and nothing changed. Just some water getting hotter in the flames...") It has always been one of my favorite of their songs and it will now forever be tied to Zara's birth.

After her birth, I bought The Suburbs as a sort of "congratulations! you birthed a baby!" present for myself and then this. This song. These words:

"I want a daughter while I'm still young.
I want to hold her hand and show her some beauty
before all this damage is done
But if it's too much too ask, if it's too much to ask....
then send me a son."

These were words I needed to hear. Because I expected my daughter to be my son and I wondered for a long time, why her? Why a girl? And though I love my Zara more than I could ever say, though I think there is no better baby on earth, and though I would not trade her for all the sons in the world, I still can't help but feel a small twinge of jealously deep in the darkest corner of my soul every time I hear that a friend or a sister or a sister-in-law is having a boy. I wish it weren't so, but there it is.

But then I heard those words. And I knew. I knew that Zara needed to come to me now. There are things that I need to teach her and show her, and that there is a special bond that we will form, because she is my firstborn. My world is more beautiful because she is here and I want to hold her hand and show her everything in it. And I am grateful that this song exists to remind me of the great prize which I hold in my arms everyday.



And now that I've shared a little too much of my soul, I will run and hide and listen to this song on repeat until I fall asleep. Goodnight.